Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
