Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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