Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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