if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
