I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
