therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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