i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
