Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
