Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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