she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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