If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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