im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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