I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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