so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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