I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would ride that face into the sunset
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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