I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
