make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
