I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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