I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
