Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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