Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
