A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
