Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
