Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
