Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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