and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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