There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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