I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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