Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
