First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
