I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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