I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
