when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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