Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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