girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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