Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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