Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
