Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
