the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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