rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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