Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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