the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
