I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize