so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
