Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So squirting runs in the family.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
