mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's blow job season.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
