Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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