Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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