Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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