Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
