look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
