I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
