My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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