dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
