I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize