so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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