went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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