I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
