The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
