How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
