its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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